The Drummer
(From one of the boys who has been there!)

A drummer applied for a loan of money, was put through the following examination by a member of the Drummers' Association.

"Where did you come from?"
"From the town of St. John's, Michigan."

"What came you here to do?"
"To take a few orders and collect a bill of Billson."

"Then you are a drummer?"
"I am so taken and accepted by the boys."

"How may I know you to be a drummer?"
"By my cheek and my forty pound sample case. Try me."

"How will you be tried?"
"By the 'Squire'."

"Why by the 'Squire'?"
"Because the 'Squire" is a magistrate and the emblem of stupidity."

"Then where were you first led to become a drummer?"
"In my mind."

"Where next?"
"In a printing office adjoining a post of drummers."

"How were you prepared?"
"By being divested of my last cent; my cheek rubbed down by a brick; a bunion plaster over each eye, and a heavy sample case in each hand. In this fix I was conducted to the door of the post."

"How did you know it to be the door of the post being blind?"
"By first stepping into the coal scuttle and afterwards bumping my head against the door knob."

"How gained you admission?"
"By benefit of my cheek."

"Had you the required cheek?"
"I had not; but my conductor had it for me."

"How were you received?"
"On the toe of a boot applied to my natural trousers."

"What did this teach you?"
"Not to fool around."

"What happened next?"
"I was set down on a cake of ice and asked if I put my trust in mercantile reports."

"Your answer?"
"Not if I know myself, I don't."

"How were you next handled?"
"I was put straddle a 2 x 4 and trotted nine times around the room, and then directed to the Left Bower for further instructions."

"How did he instruct you?"
"To approach a customer in three upright regular steps, my business card extended, my arm forming a perfect square."

"How were you then disposed of?"
"I was seated upon on a cake of ice in front of a dry goods box and then made to take the following horrible and binding oath."

'I, John Moyer, do heron and herewith most everlasting and diabolically swear that I will never reveal and always steal all the trade secrets I can for the benefit of the Most August Order. I further swear, by the Bald headed Jack of Clubs that I will not give, carve, make, hold, or cut process below the regular rates. And I further swear by the Pipers that played before Moses, to never have any commercial dealings with any man, his wife, his daughter, sister, grandmother, old maid, aunt, or uncle unless he, or she or it is of sound on the goose.'

"I was then asked what I most desired."

"Your answer?"
"Money."

"What did you then behold?"
"A copy of Dun's Reports, open at chapter xxx. Upon the book rested a pair of scales; in one pan a can of concentrated lye; in the other a brass jack ass."

"What did this emblem signify?"
"The scales indicated the balance between Cr. and Dr. the other represented li-abilities and ass-ets. The jack ass indicated the debtor."

"Did this teach you a lesson?"
"You bet. It taught me to look out."

"Shake brother. Will you be off or from?"
"Both if I can borrow money."

"Have you any cigars?"
"I have."

"Give them to me."
"I did not so receive them; nor will,. I impart them."

"How will you dispose of them?"
"On sixty days, at two per cent."

"All right, begin."
"No, begin you."

"Where next?"
"Where next?"

"You must begin."
"Up."

"Em."
"Set."

"Where next?"
"Set em up. The words and signs are right. You are O.K."

Origin Unknown
============ ============
2001-12-15